John Gray

John Gray

What Planet are You From?
A simple, dual concept -- Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus -- keeps Mill Valley therapist John Gray's books and videos in the spotlight. Since 1992, more than 14 million copies of Gray's books have been sold worldwide. But what is Gray's Mars/Venus theory? According to Gray, men process things internally (retreating to their "caves") and understand statements more literally. Women, meanwhile, like to outwardly share their emotions and their thought processes. Gray says that by understanding the sexes' different communication styles, relationship rifts can be healed. Gray's latest video -- How to Get What You Want and Want What You Have -- moves away from relationship matters. Carol Wright, Barnes & Noble.com's Mind, Body & Spirit editor, spoke on the phone with Dr. Gray about the tape.

Barnes & Noble.com: Did you get the Men Are from Mars/Women Are from Venus metaphor from astrology?

John Gray: Not really. It came from counseling men and women daily and realizing that many of our problems come from misunderstanding where we were coming from. It seemed appropriate to say that men are from Mars and women were from Venus. The challenge in dealing with differences is to speak of the differences in such a way that nobody feels put down or criticized.

B&N.com: Is the majority of your counseling about relationships?

jg: For years my focus was teaching people stress management techniques, then I focused on relationship techniques, and now I've added helping people be more successful and healthy in their lives. The video How to Get What You Want is more along these lines, as is my new book, Practical Miracles, which we'll eventually shoot as a video. If you're adept at metaphysics, you'll recognize the principles, but I've presented them as a practical approach that relates to daily experience. For stress relief, practice breathing exercises, spend time in nature, and drink the right amount of water balanced with salt. You'll then find you're able to create desired changes in your life.

B&N.com: Why did you propose this 2-pole Mars/Venus model instead of, say, the 9-point Enneagram personality system or 12-sign astrology?

jg: Accepting differences is an essential characteristic of making a relationship work, and any system that identifies how people tend to be different helps us to be more understanding and less judgmental. I prefer focusing on the Mars/Venus model because it is simple. Almost everyone can relate to fitting into either the Martian or Venusian category. Some women say they are a bit more Martian while the husband is a more Venusian. Regardless, it can help them be more understanding.

B&N.com: Probably the one criticism of the Mars/Venus material is that it reinforces stereotypes of men being the creators and women being the emotional housewife.

jg: What I've done in my book is not reinforce the traditional stereotypes of men and women but emphasize the positive qualities of men and women that are innately true, based upon the body's hormones. We are not boxing people in but appreciating differences. The problem is with stereotyping, labeling people, and putting them one step below or one step above. I am not doing this. Differences have nothing to do with our equality; to have true equality and respect, we have to acknowledge how people are innately different.

B&N.com: A friend of mine said that her boyfriend heard your message and totally retreated to his cave. She then wanted to drag him out, and he dug in. In other words, he retreated to "your" inner cave to justify non-communication. Solution?

jg: Motivation is the key here. If you are not motivated to improve your relationship, then no matter what you hear, it won't work. What you describe is someone who watched the videotapes and didn't apply anything I discussed. If the woman had absorbed the program, then she would have learned not to go pounding on the door of the man's cave, where he likes to think things through. If the man had really listened to the video, he would be considerate of her needs when he is "out of the cave," and then show more affection and interest. I rarely hear about the scenario you described. Historically, the feedback I've received is that the material is friendly and supportive. Never in history have men bought so many relationship books. Thousands of people write to me every week to tell me how this has transformed their relationship. It does help men to understand women; most men do want to know what makes their wives happy, and most men want to understand how men and women and are different. This program clearly doesn't say that those who are married should stay married. You have to have to have a really clear sense of who you are and be a mature person for a relationship to work. Some people are not grown up enough to have a mature relationship, but this information can help them get to that place. Communication skills are essential, but you can have all the skills in the world and -- if you are married to an immature person -- it won't make any difference. If you make unrealistic demands of this partner, then it won't work. Some people see the videos and find the reasons to not continue the relationship, but they leave without so much resentment, with a better understanding of their partner.

B&N.com: What advice can you give to someone whose relationship is really falling apart or is abusive?

jg: Even one person in the relationship learning how to make it better improves the relationship. But love does not mean staying with someone who is abusive. In some situations, we contribute passively to a problem because we stay in a relationship where abuse occurs. If one partner is abusive in some way, this material can help the spouse recognize that they aren't responsible for the other's behavior. I even hate to use the word abuse. Abuse is when you have power over someone and take advantage of them. When there are two people on equal footing, they are responsible for what they give and what they get. People can be verbally abusive without a doubt, but many of these arguments spin out of control because of simple misunderstandings. In these cases, just a positive way of understanding our differences is enough to heal the situation. People should know, however, that Men Are from Mars/Women Are from Venus does not deal with abuse. It is for people who were once in love -- or who already have a good relationship -- and who want to make the relationship work even better. It's education, not therapy.

B&N.com: In Get What You Want, you often mention your mother's wisdom, with quotes such as, "You are perfect the way you are." What was she like?

jg: My mother was very spiritual, one of the happiest people I ever met. Her dream was to help people. She had a large lending library that she turned into a bookstore. She opened one of the first -- and largest -- new age bookstores in the country, which she ran for 30 years. She was very successful and peaceful at the same time.

B&N.com: You mention concepts like "You can get everything you want and need," and "Be happy with what you have." What would be the starting point for someone whose life is in really bad shape?

jg: To learn how to start getting what you want. Getting what you want doesn't mean getting it all at once. It means how to start getting it. If you are in a low point, how do you begin to climb out? Waiting for someone to do it for you won't work. Reading this book or viewing video will teach you some things -- that if you do them -- you can get out of that hole.

B&N.com: Please comment on your statement "Gratitude opens the door, desire pulls it in and motivates you to go out and get it. Intention is first step, then action, which requires risk."

jg: These are basic tools of any successful person. You can't see opportunity if you don't have an open heart, if you aren't appreciative. You aren't motivated to do anything unless you feel desire, so stay in touch with what you want. And being in touch with what you want, you have to put it into action. Nothing gets done unless you do something, and you have to be willing to take risks. And when you take risks, you will make mistakes. The creative and successful person is capable of taking risks because they have learned how to forgive themselves.

B&N.com: You teach about the human love needs, which progress through seven-year increments. Do people who abuse drugs or alcohol get stuck in an early mode?

jg: What it means to be stuck in an immature mode is that the need hasn't been fulfilled and you never really develop that stage. One can still be an adult with certain maturities, but there's an element within them (like the ability to be happy without depending on outer circumstances) is not developed. They might depend on drugs for happiness and not discover what makes them happy in living.

B&N.com: How did being a celibate monk for nine years influence your own development?

jg: It influenced me in a very positive way! It helped me learn how to be autonomous. One's 20s is the time to learn how to be happy without depending on others. Being a monk was what I loved to do. I loved to meditate, to pray, and to connect with God. You should take the time then to do what you love to do. If you love children, then have children while in your 20s, but make sure that you are doing it because you love it. If you live your life out of obligation then, you might never develop your ability to be happy within your self.

B&N.com: You say to release the 12 blocks to success -- anxiety, guilt, blame, procrastination, etc. -- one must release three or four underlying emotions. How does one release emotions in a do-it-yourself way?

jg: Therapy can help, but you can release emotions alone. Journaling is one of the most powerful ways. Identify a block like blame or resentment. Then think about the situation, and write a letter to "that person" -- you never show or mail this -- and vent what you are angry about. And then ask yourself what you're sad about, then what you are afraid of. Write for three to four minutes on each. After you have gotten in touch with these emotions, ask yourself what you regret. Then write out what you want and wish. Then the energy starts moving and you feel more positive again. Then write out feelings of forgiveness, understanding, and appreciation to look at the brighter side of things. It's what I call a "feeling letter."

B&N.com: That's pretty touchy-feely for a Mars guy. What would a man do?

jg: Women are more motivated to do this technique. It works just as well for men if they do it, but there are other things one can do. Like if you feel anxiety, try going for a relaxing drive in your car. Imagery and positive visualization can also work. But some of these blocks you can't remove unless you process them. Women seem to do well by writing or talking it through. Men might do better in a more meditative state, where they think about it and talk to themselves. By taking time -- about 20 minutes -- to explore those feelings, you can release what is holding you back from experiencing your true self, which is confident, loving, peace, happy, and fulfilled.October 17, 2000